


youth (we never had it)

by VITRI0L



Series: when the canon lore suddenly takes a sharp left turn, leaving you heartbroken [2]
Category: DreamSMP, Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Dead TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Emotional Hurt, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, Mentioned Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Niki | Nihachu, Sad Toby Smith | Tubbo, im so broken after the 3/1 stream, no beta we die like tommyinnit, tommy dies and tubbo goes through the stages of grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:42:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29793471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VITRI0L/pseuds/VITRI0L
Summary: Tubbo has to cope after the loss of his best friend, and figure out how to manage his emotions.•••“TommyInnit was slain by DreamSuch a simple sentence. Yet, the words meant nothing to the brunet teen. There was no sadness, no shock, no anger. Tubbo just felt... fine.”•••Spoilers for TommyInnit’s 3/01/2021 stream
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Series: when the canon lore suddenly takes a sharp left turn, leaving you heartbroken [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2189505
Comments: 27
Kudos: 199





	1. l. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo receives less than welcome news. But, there’s no way it’s true. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so heartbroken :(

“There’s no way he’s actually dead, right?” Ranboo asked as the three of them approached the entrance to the prison.

Tubbo hummed, staring at the screen of his communicator. 

_TommyInnit was slain by Dream_

Such a simple sentence. Yet, the words meant nothing to the brunet teen. There was no sadness, no shock, no anger. Tubbo just felt... fine.

“Yeah, there’s no way Tommy would die like that,” he responded conversationally, tucking his comm in his jean pocket.

Jack was unusually quiet as they approached the mouth of the prison. Tubbo didn’t think much of it, more focused on getting an answer for what kind of sick joke was being pulled on them.

Because there was no way Tommy was dead.

Sam was standing in the middle of the entranceway, netherite armor glinting softly in the dying light of the day. He gripped his blueish trident in one hand and the teen couldn’t help but notice his steeled grip.

“Hey, Sam,” Tubbo greeted casually, “What’s going on?”

The warden stayed quiet, looking over the three of them. His eyes were hidden behind a pair of sunglasses, which was odd. His posture was stiff and unyielding, almost as if it pained the hybrid to stand before them.

“Tubbo, I don’t know how to tell you this...” Sam began, voice sounding wobbly, “But— Tommy... he’s dead—“

The words didn’t sink in.

“Oh, that sucks,” he responded.

The sentence was out of his mouth before he could think about it. Tubbo was on autopilot and he missed the way the creeper hybrid stiffened at his words.

“Yeah, there’s no chance Tommy’s _actually_ dead,” Ranboo said, backing Tubbo’s suspicions.

Though, he didn’t sound entirely sure of himself.

“What happened?” Jack finally asked.

Sam turned to the eldest of their group, hostility entering his stature.

“I tell you that he’s— dead —and this is how you react?”

He didn’t even sound angry, more like he was... disappointed? Tubbo couldn’t tell, but it didn’t give him a good feeling.

_Maybe... maybe this isn’t a prank?_

He immediately shut that thought down.

“I— I gotta go,” Sam said immediately, disappearing through the nether portal.

The purple swirls swallowed the warden and suddenly the interaction was over. Tubbo stood dumbly, staring at the entrance to the prison. 

“Huh, well, if you’ll excuse me,” Jack said, walking away from the two teens before either one could acknowledge his goodbye.

Then it was just Ranboo and him.

Tubbo looked over to the tall, half enderman, an awkward smile stretching his face painfully. 

“Huh,” he mused.

“Yeah,” Ranboo replied, frowning at the portal, “That’s pretty weird.”

“Yeah, but you know Sam. He’s kind of a prankster.”

_No he’s not. Quite the opposite, really._

“Hmmm,” the teen hummed, shrugging, “True. Tommy would have gone out with a bang, not something like this if he were actually dead.”

“He’ll be fine,” Tubbo replied, “C’mon, let’s keep working on the hotel.”

_You’re a liar._

The brunet pushed all the thoughts away, ignoring the uneasy feeling in his stomach and just walked towards the Prime Path, Ranboo hot on his trail. 

Tommy **wasn’t** dead.

This was his best friend they were talking about.

 _Tommy wouldn’t die like that_ , he rationed as they walked back to the Bee n Boo, _No, he wouldn’t leave me so easily._

_He’ll be fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gonna write all five stages baby, WOOO
> 
> they’ll get longer, promise 😼


	2. ll. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Denial never gets anyone anywhere and the anger always follows close behind.

“What are you telling me?” Tubbo asked, barely able to keep his words civil.

Sam stood in the threshold of their unfinished restaurant, fiddling uncharacteristically with the hilt of his sword. Just like yesterday, he was still wearing sunglasses and he was still covered in his netherite. It looked like it physically pained the warden to stand before them.

Tubbo wondered how many people he’d have to tell.

“Dream told me that he... beat Tommy to death,” the hybrid repeated, much quieter this time.

Like the words were slicing his throat as they escaped.

The brunet was fuming, visible shaking as he stood upon the unfinished lobby. Ranboo was close behind and he too was obviously distraught at the news.

“That— no, that doesn’t make any sense!” Tubbo exclaimed back, desperation fueling his anger, “Tommy wouldn’t die... Tommy’s not _dead_.”

Sam sighed.

“I don’t want it to be true either, Tubbo. I am as hurt by this as you are, ok? But, I can only tell you what I know and I know...”

He didn’t continue. 

There was a slim hand placed on his shoulder. It shook ever so slightly, yet it was still trying to comfort Tubbo.

The small brunet struggled not to push off Ranboo’s touch.

“I— Sam, I... what do I say?”

The man pulled off his sunglasses, showing his bloodshot and tired green eyes. There were so dull, not the acidic green that Tubbo was used to. There was nothing but sorrow in them, so deep that the brunet was sure he might drown.

“There’s nothing you can say,” he replied, whispering at this point, “Nothing we say or do will bring Tommy back. All we can do is grieve.”

Tubbo felt himself choke on the air trying to make it to his lungs.

“This... it can’t be true!”

Any other time, Sam would have wrapped him in a bear hug and held him close. Maybe called Puffy too.

But, this time, Sam just put his glasses back on.

“I’m sorry,” was all the hybrid had to offer.

Then, he was gone.

Tubbo felt as though he’d been struck by lightening or cursed with the worst that bad luck had to offer. No words would be able to do the turbulent storm of emotions that clogged his chest justice. It crashed through him, destructive and unforgiving as it destroyed everything in its path.

Tommy was dead, _truly_ gone.

Tubbo couldn’t even recall the last time him and his supposed best friend had spoken, just one on one. He’d been too busy with Snowchester, with the nukes and with Ranboo that he had almost forgotten about the lively blond teen.

Now, it was too late.

And here Tubbo stood, in the unfinished interior of what was supposed to be Tommy’s _direct competition._

_Oh... I’m a horrible person._

The epiphany was quiet, but his fury was not. It was hot as molten lava and it surely would have killed the brunet if he let it fester on its true target.

So, he turned it outward, uncaring on who it lashed out on just that it did lash out.

Tubbo growled and rushed out of the open door of his hotel. He crashed through the wooden gates of _The Big Innit Hotel_ , uncaring if he broke the hinges of his way in.

Jack stood in front of the newly built and hauntingly vacant red building, a big smile on his face and an arm around Niki’s shoulders.

He didn’t miss the twisted smile upon her face as he stormed over.

“You fucking prick!” he screamed, catching them both of guard, “He’s dead and you have the goddamn audacity...! It’s barely been 24 hours and you two do this?! Fuck you!”

He pointed furiously to the sign that now read _The Big Jack Manifold Hotel._

“Tubbo...” Jack began, moving to stand beside the pink haired woman with his arms crossed.

Everything bubbled over, lighting a soft fire under his skin. He would have sworn that he was seen red, the hue tinting the world around him.

_Red was Tommy’s favourite colour._

The brunet never felt something so satisfying than the way his fist connected with Jack’s nose. He could feel the bone give away under his fist, crunching wonderfully.

There was screaming, but Tubbo couldn’t tell who it was coming from.

He was going to **kill** Jack Manifold.

Strong arms looped under his armpits, lifting the brunet off of the man with the multi colour glasses now laying on the Path.

“Tubbo, stop,” Ranboo’s gentle voice asked.

“I’m gonna kill him, let me go!” he screamed back, struggling with all his might, “Let me go, Ranboo! Fuck, just... Tommy’s dead, let me go!”

Everything seemed to suddenly freeze.

_Tommy’s dead._

He said it himself.

“Tommy’s dead,” Tubbo gasped weakly, suddenly uninterested in the shocked woman and injured man before him.

He whipped around, burying his face into his friend’s thin chest. His hands found purchase on the black material of a suit jacket, gripping it like a lifeline.

Timid arms wrapped him in a gentle embrace, holding the brunet close.

Tubbo let himself sob into Ranboo’s shirt, everything finally setting in.

 _I really_ am _a horrible person._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two down three to go ✌️🥴
> 
> ranboo good friend pog :)


	3. lll. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo will do anything to get Tommy back.

“Sam, let me in,” Tubbo said, tapping his foot impatiently against the obsidian floor.

That tired voice rang through the speaker.

“No, Tubbo.”

The teen grimace and rung the doorbell to the prison once more. He just needed to get in, what didn’t Sam understand?

“Just let me in. I need to speak to Dream.”

“There’s nothing I can do for you,” the warden’s voice replied, “I can’t let anyone in because I haven’t figured out what caused the explosion. Besides, Dream’s not having any visitors for a while. My orders.”

Tubbo felt his brain struggle to explain itself without caving in. He didn’t want to think about everything too much, or else he would end up in a pit of his own creation, unable to sleeping when the night came.

“Sam, please,” he tried, allowing the older to hear his pain, “I— I _need_ to.”

“Dream will not help you get Tommy back,” Sam replied.

Tubbo felt tears building.

_“What am I without you?” Tommy asked, dull eyes searching his own in the darkness of the mountain._

Tubbo thought he understood the question back then, as he prepared to die for the kid he considered his best friend.

No.

Only now that all the fire the younger had held had burned out did he understand.

_I am nothing without you, Tommy?_

“But, the book...” he tried.

“Tommy suspected that the book wasn’t real,” Sam told him, “It was what they were arguing about before... Dream attacked—“

“Why would he lie...?”

He knew why.

He just didn’t want it to be true.

“It’s the only reason he’s still alive.”

“I just want to see him,” Tubbo replied.

“I know.”

“I’m sorry, Sam.”

“I know, Toby.”

Tears cascaded gently as the sound of his real name.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated.

“Go home safely, ok?” Sam asked gently.

“Yeah.”

The word barely made it out of his mouth.

Tubbo let his hand slip off the marble, falling to his side.

“I’ve failed again,” he whispered, walking stiffly away from the imposing prison, “Forgive me, Tommy.”

Tubbo wasn’t sure how he made it all the way back to Snowchester. He’d zoned out the whole time, lost in the thoughts that tried to distract him from thinking about Tommy. But, everything always seemed to loop back to the blond.

He couldn’t stay in the Greater SMP, he realized.

_If Tommy’s not there, there’s no point._

Snow crunched under his boots as he walked dully to his main house. He couldn’t even feel the bite of the winter as he entered his cabin.

If only Tommy had joined him in Snowchester like they’d promised.

If only Tubbo had made more time for his best friend, instead of being so caught up in his activities with Ranboo.

If only...

_If only..._

“Tubbo, honey,” a soft voice called, “You must be cold, c’mere.”

He looked up to see Puffy, standing in her regular pirate uniform. The fireplace roared behind her and two mugs sat on the little coffee table in front of the hearth.

Tubbo couldn’t help but break down at the sight of her kind face and the moisture in her eyes.

“Oh, buddy,” she cooed, “Let it all out.”

He held out his arms weakly. She walked over, quickly holding him.

Tubbo felt anchored to the white haired woman, soaking up all the comfort she was willing to give him. 

“I’m so sad, momma. I can’t believe he’s really gone.”

She sniffled.

“I know, I can’t believe it either.”

“He left and... I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” he cried, burying his face into the junction of where her neck met her shoulder.

Puffy hummed and pulled his closer.

Tubbo cried until the woman made them sit down on the couch.

He fell asleep into her side, vaguely aware that he didn’t deserve any of this.

_I’m nothing without Tommy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just watched the vod of puffy’s March 1st stream and holy fuck... i love c!puffy so much


	4. lV. Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo doesn’t like the thought of living without Tommy.

There was a wooden cross.

A marker, a representation. For Tommy. Built with love and honour in mind (probably). Tubbo wasn’t sure who had put the cross in the ground, but it wasn’t like it matter.

It sat beside the bench that Tubbo could barely pass anymore, facing the ravine where the sun always set. 

It took the brunet 4 days to properly look at the little marker. he was afraid of the emotions it would stir up.

But once he had, he’d been laying beside it ever since.

Tubbo didn’t know how long he laid in the grass for, unaware of the way the sun and moon danced in the sky. He didn’t care about that, vaguely jealous that the two entities had each other in their eternal waltz.

All he knew was that he’d brought a bouquet of all the different kinds of flowers he find and laid it in front of Tommy’s makeshift grave.

Then, he laid down too.

Tubbo slept by the grave for hours on end, undisturbed.

Dreams left him alone for the most part.

_“Tubbo, what are you doing?”_

_The brunet peeled his eyes open, eyelids made of lead as he turned to look at the source of that voice._

_Tommy sat upon the bench, in Tubbo’s usual spot, looking down upon the brunet. Amusement danced in his icy blue eyes, the sunlight casting a soft glow on the gangly teen._

_“Hey, big man,” the brunet responded, chest swelling with a sweetness, “how are you?”_

_The teen snorted, as if Tubbo was acting weird._

_“Fine, as long as you can answer me this.”_

_“Shoot,” he replied instantly, pulling himself up into a sitting position._

_“Did we win?”_

_Tubbo froze, wide eyes gazing upon Tommy’s curious ones. He seemed so genuine, it tripped the brunet up._

_“Yeah, of course we did, big man!”_

_The blond visibly relaxed at that._

_“Good.”_

_A nice silence sat between them. Tubbo didn’t want to break the peacefulness, so he just watched Tommy watch the view._

_“Can I ask you something?”_

_“Of course,” Tubbo responded happily, smile big._

_“When will you let go of me?”_

_The words were like he’d been pushed into Snowchester’s ocean._

Oh... that’s right...

_Music suddenly swelled, the notes dancing through the air. Tubbo wasn’t sure when a disc had been put in the jukebox, but that was the least of his worries._

_The brunet can’t find the words, something coiling so heavily around his stomach that it was almost suffocating._

_Tommy smiled softly, seemingly understanding of his friend’s silence._

_“Ask Phil something for me, would ya?”_

_Tubbo nodded robotically, everything failing him._

_“Ask him if he’s proud of me. Please?”_

_“Of course,” the brunet choked, tears falling down his cheeks._

_“Oh, Tubbo,” Tommy said, standing only to crouch in front of him, “Don’t cry over me.”_

_“Don’t say that. You... you can’t ask me to do something like that,” he whispered, heart breaking._

_“Was that too cruel?”_

_“Yes.”_

_Tommy hummed, looking away momentarily. Then, his gaze was back on Tubbo’s and his hand was cradling the brunet’s stained cheek._

_The hand was cold._

_“I miss you.”_

_Tubbo let out a meek noise._

_“What am I without you?” he asked desperately, blurry eyes searching the blond’s._

_“Yourself.”_

_Tubbo choked, all the air evaporating from his lungs._

_“No, please... don’t go—“_

_“Love you, big man,” Tommy said, pulling his hand away, “Remember that.”_

_Tubbo let his eyes fall closed, unable to watch Tommy leave him again._

_The music stopped._

“Tubbo?” a rough voice asked, “Breathe, ok, mate?”

He opened his eyes to look up at the starless sky. Familiar blond hair fell in and out of his view.

“Phil,” he said weakly.

“Can you match me breathing for me?” the older man asked, caring the brunet bridal style.

“Can try.”

“Ok, ready? One, two, three...”

Phil counted slowly to ten, the numbers matching the pace of his shoes upon the Prime Path. Tubbo took deep breaths in time, feeling the burning in his lungs slowly disappear. 

“How long were you sleeping?” the older man asked once the exercise was over.

“Don’t know. I sleep a lot lately.”

“Ranboo’s worried about you. Everyone is.”

Tubbo ignored the guilt under his ribs.

“I... I dreamt about Tommy,” he confessed.

Phil hummed, sounding casual. Tubbo knew him better than that, though.

“He wanted me to ask you something.”

“Ok.”

Tubbo took a deep breath, look at the dark night.

“He wanted to know if you were proud of him.”

Phil made a muffled noise, like the question had punched the air out of him. His step faltered and the grip that held the brunet tightened uncomfortably. 

The father figure relaxed slightly as he found the words.

“Of course I’m proud of him,” Phil said softly, “I have so many regrets in my limited life, but— Tommy’s not one of them. Neither was Wilbur. They were my boys, the lights of my life and I am so proud of the both of them.”

Tubbo wanted to be angry.

He just felt sad.

“They could have stood to hear that more,” he replied simply.

“I know,” Phil whispered.

Tubbo ignored the soft sounds of crying as the older man carried him through the heart of the Greater SMP. He also ignored the red hotel and the unfinished Bee n Boo.

The brunet swore never to touch it again.

He just let Phil carry him all the way back to Snowchester, without complaint and without further comment.

No matter how terrible of a father the supposed Angel of Death had been, Tommy was still his son.

And he deserved a chance to grieve as well. Tommy had passed on his birthday, after all. Tubbo wasn’t so tone deaf as to deprive the blond man of such a necessity. 

So, Tubbo allowed himself to be carried back to his nation, which no longer felt so safe anymore.

Puffy and Sam were waiting in the cabin.

The adults exchanged no words as Phil laid the brunet upon the couch by the fireplace.

“Sorry,” Tubbo muttered as Phil pulled away to stand up.

“I’m sorry too, Tubbo.”

The brunet nodded and looked to the roaring fire. The orange flames danced calmly, unaware of the world around them.

_How quaint_ , he thought involuntarily.

Phil left quietly.

Tubbo found he wasn’t tired.

Yet, he feel right back asleep as Puffy and Sam moved to be by his side, unconscious tugging him away and exhaustion etching itself into his bones.

_Maybe I’ll see Tommy again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dream sequence based off a tweet by @impcraig
> 
> we need some good dadza moments in canon, think of poor sbi twt 😭 /j


	5. V. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death is the only constant. Tubbo sees that now.

Tubbo stood at the base of the cliff, right where the forest became sparser. The sun was beginning to rise, leaving the spot in chilly morning darkness.

Tommy was dead.

His gravestone was simple, a slab with a half circle top. A small cross engraved from the same stone sat atop the grave, and though it didn’t mean anything to Tubbo, it was nice nonetheless.

The brunet ran a calloused hand across the smooth stone.

He made this himself. Spent hours carving the harsh stone away, making it bend to his will and chisel. It was hard work, the constant swing of the hammer on the chisel leaving deep bruises that ran to the muscles of his palms.

Those black and blue spots were his repentance, his asking for forgiveness. 

It was the least he could do.

Tubbo hummed the melody to Mellohi as he traced over the engraving.

He hoped the afterlife was full of music, even if it could not be full of life.

_Here lies Tommy  
A dutifully soldier, a natural leader and most importantly, the most wonderful friend and brother that one could ask for.  
He lies here at the young age of 16.  
May he soul rest in peace and Primes._

“Hi, Tommy,” he found himself saying once more, “It’s me again.”

The birds chirp gently as the sun continued to rise.

“You probably sick of me by now, but what can I say? I miss you, big man.”

It was getting warm, finally.

“Sorry that we didn’t hold a funeral, but I figured you wouldn’t like that shit,” Tubbo laughed gently, “Sam, Phil and Techno helped bury you. Them and Puffy are the only ones who know where you are. And, me, of course, but that was a given.”

Tubbo glanced to the bright, blue sky.

“Y’know, Sam said you didn’t think that Dream really had the resurrection book. And so, I wondered, why is he still alive?”

The brunet smiled gently, standing up.

“Trust me, he won’t be. Not for long, anyway.”

He sighed.

“This is something that needs to happen, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Before you died, I would have never truly considered murdering someone else so plainly.”

He laid the bouquet he always brought on top of all the other ones. It was starting to look like a goddamn garden.

_Just like Tommy’s house. Adorned with red and white flowers and anything that would force everyone to remember the blond who was stolen from those who cared._

“But, now I’m going to finish what you started.”

Tommy was dead.

And Tubbo would soon join him.

But, not before he got Tommy the revenge that he deserved. 

_I’m not going to fail this time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short and bittersweet :)
> 
> tubbo’s big law lore got me fucking confused and desperately theorizing for answers lmao
> 
> hope you’re doing well! <33
> 
> g’night :)


End file.
